Where to start

So I thought I was going to start this weekend after having the long weekend to stock my fridge full of healthy items. But I've decided to go a different direction. I've decided to do a 30 day cleanse. I didn't think that that was how I was going to go about this, but it makes sense. I've done a few cleanses before, and am a strong advocate of them. I've had great success before- maybe not so much in the weight loss category, but more in the better sleep/more energy category. To be honest, the fact that I did a 3 week detox with absolutely NO cheating, gave me hope that I had the willpower to change my lifestyle. I crave the sleep I had on that detox, so much so that when I come across info about various cleanses, I take pause to read about them.

I came across this one because I follow someone on twitter that did a 9 day cleanse on a cellular level. He tweeted about his journey, and though his buddies busted his balls for doing something as sissy as a detox, I've seen that more than a few have since tried the detox themselves. His wife recently got on twitter and we had been exchanging emails about another topic and then the detox came up. She gladly gave me more info about it and I watched a presentation about the company and was immediately struck. The ideas they were touting were nearly the same ideas that my friend M has been saying to me for this new lifestyle journey, and of course the same basic ideas about organic foods and detoxes that I already believed in. I went from wanting a 9 day cleanse to wanting their 30 day full body cleanse.

Now, I haven't bought it yet, but I am super excited about it. Not because I think it's going to be a miracle cure to my obesity, but because I feel like it is going to be the full body detox I crave and a way for me to jump-start my system for this new change. It is going to pull out impurities from my cells and then flush them out of my system. With that comes the conquering of my inevitable cravings for pasta and cookies (my two weaknesses). I think the reason I decided to do it is because (though it's not cheap) it will replace 2 meals a day for 30 days. I don't have to buy much at the store, so it kinda becomes a wash. And who knows, maybe my cutting out fast food/restaurants and specialty coffees might pay for it in itself, as sickening as that is to admit.

I have high hopes for the positive effects I feel like it will have. I did a lot of online research over the last few days, looking for negative reviews about the programs or the company, and though I found reviews in which people had no major positive effects, I found very little in bad reviews. Most are not only positive, but this company has changed a lot of lives. They have broken ground in genetic research and mastered the production of vitamins and minerals. I am just anxious to give them a try. I feel like this might be the clean slate I need to get started- flush the system and start over.

So, this all said, I have to order the cleanse which means I won't really be starting for probably another week. In the meantime I will start some healthy habits- more water, eating (a healthy) breakfast, more healthy snacking. This will be the first cleanse I've ever done that will be blogged... THIS should be interesting. :-)

-N

Failure is not an option

My biggest fear of course is what if I can't do it. Because I've never earnestly tried to lose weight, I can't be certain I can do it. I'd like to think I can, I'd like to think I'm stubborn enough to dredge through. But at the end of a busy work day and long drive home, not having eaten much all day, an unhealthy fast food meal calls my name. ugh. It's not like I don't WANT to eat healthy. I like a lot of healthy foods, I just don't have the energy to make it happen everyday. That is going to be my biggest challenge, to be tired and hungry and still go home at the end of the day and make a balanced meal. That is what I will need to unlearn, that a quick box of mac n cheese is no longer the go-to meal when I'd rather just go to bed.

My friend M I mentioned that is going to help me formulate a plan decided that it's best if I change my eating first before I hit the gym. It seems a little wrong, but I get what she's saying. She said 80% of lifestyle change is changing your diet. If I don't kickstart my metabolism before I start exercising then I will burn out fast when  don't see the changes I hope for- don't shock the body too much at once. I've been reading about small things I can do on a daily basis to improve my health, less about meals and more about my mental mindset and exercise. If I'm not going to start a gym regimen then I should do little things that can help. For instance, I am going to get 2 stability balls, one small and one large. At home I am going to use it to sit on while watching tv so that I'm not just sitting still on the couch. The smaller ball will be for work, M suggested I squeeze it between my legs while I'm sitting (since I work a desk job and sit a good portion of my day). Other things I read were simple like walk 3 extra flights of stairs everyday, walk 2 mins for every 30 mins, meditate (or rather don't stress eat), do micro exercises that exhaust the muscles in a few minutes everyday, and don't be stationary for more than an hour at a time, even if that means you walk around in circles while watching a movie.

The most interesting thing I read was about the "power of positive thinking". I know it sounds cliche, but I read in more than one place how if you visualize yourself eating whatever you are craving, think about it for a good period of time before you eat it, that you will feel more satisfied with less. It is also suggested that if you're going to "cheat" with something fatty or sugary that after each bite you pause to think about how it tastes and feels. It causes people to eat less of the bad food and again feel more satisfied. I guess it's true what they say, that eating healthy really is just a mind game. I am my own worst enemy. I don't care what anyone says, I will miss my pasta comas! lol

So if I have anything going for me, it's that I consider myself to have pretty strong mental determination. It might take a bit for me to pep-talk my way into it, but I abhor the feeling of personal and emotional defeat. If I can stare my biggest fear in the eye and jump into freezing water (more on that later), if I can stare down an abusive maniac and say "I dare you to hit me", if I can dare to pick up my life in one state and start over in another with nothing more than a suitcase of clothes... If I can do all that, I can do this. None of those things happened without digging deep into my soul for that ball of determination though, and none of those situations magically ended the struggle- they were just turning points. This is my turning point, these next few weeks. And in my world, ultimate failure is not an option. I will falter and cheat before this is over, but I have to believe that this is possible.

Who is this person?

You know, sometimes I look at a picture of me at this weight and I think "who is this person? She has my eyes, but that is not me." Do you ever get that feeling that you feel like you look totally different than what you actually look like? You see a picture of yourself at a holiday party and feel a little disgusted? You wonder if your friends view you as the "fat girl"? Or suddenly feel grateful that they have never made you feel that way, whether or not they have ever thought it? That's me right now. It makes me not even want to dress up anymore, because I feel like I no longer look pretty when I put in that extra effort. I have beautiful friends that love to get "dressed up" once in a while to go out, a night of feeling pretty. They don't realize that I decline "because I have no money" when the real reason is that I don't want to be the ugly girl who looks like she's trying to be pretty. I'm not saying that having some weight on you is automatically ugly, but I firmly believe that beauty emanates from within- if you don't feel pretty, you won't look pretty. And I do not feel pretty at this size.
 I've always had a round face, but only in recent years have I gotten that dreaded "double chin". My neck used to be my favorite feature. Not many people know that about me, that I used to wear chokers and cute necklaces to draw attention to my neck because I thought it was beautiful. Now I look in the mirror and see the lack of definition and it makes me sad. Pictures of me just a few short years ago look completely different than my reflection. Like I said, my weight has never bothered me before, but now I feel like I am on a mission to reclaim my neck again.

-N

Let's take this out for a spin

This is my first attempt at blogging, I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing or why. I've always considered myself an open book about my life, but for some reason, as I am about to embark upon this weight loss journey, I don't feel like sharing everything with the people I know. I have great friends who I know would be super supportive, but this is something too personal I think. Maybe it's the stigma of being overweight and everyone having their magical formula for weight loss. I imagine it must be the same for pregnant women- every other mom in the world wants to tell you what to expect and exactly how things should be done, as if there is only one way to raise a child.
My weight problem has only become a problem in the last few years. It's funny (or rather ironic) that when I was a child my family feared I'd have weight problems but on the skinny side. They let me have whatever I wanted as a child because no matter what I ate I never gained a pound and was "too skinny" by the standard set by my southern family. This has become a curse, because as I got older and my metabolism slowed, I still ate whatever I wanted only then I started to gain weight. I was never obese by any means, in fact, I'm pretty sure I've gained just 5 lbs every year from my teen years on. More than a decade later though, this is now a problem. I've never been uncomfortable with my weight either until just this year. I'm not sure what happened but I gained 10 pounds in one month, and it seems to have pushed me out of my comfort zone.
I am now uncomfortable with my body, something I've never been, and it's slowly altering my life. I notice things now I've never noticed before. When I carry my laundry upstairs, I get winded. I find this shocking as I backpacked across Europe in 2008 with 60lbs on my back (literally backpacked) and I was only 20 lbs lighter than I am now. Yet so, those extra few pounds are weighing me down. I've had back problems since the summer. I'm not sure if they are related, but I'm sure it can't help. I think I might even snore now. I notice my clothes getting tighter, my belt doesn't even fit anymore. And the pants that once hung off of me are almost too snug for me to wear.
So, enough is enough. I am moving to NYC next year and I've decided I am not going to miss out on the fashion because I am too fat to fit into anything cute. It's time for me to take control of my life again. With the dietary help of my friend (we'll call her M), I've got 10 months till my move, and I fully intend to strut the streets of New York by then- in a dress, heels, and new confidence that the city requires to make it.
This is my journey to cut my weight in half. It will a be a long and lonely road... I hope to have the cyber world keep me company.