Failure is not an option

My biggest fear of course is what if I can't do it. Because I've never earnestly tried to lose weight, I can't be certain I can do it. I'd like to think I can, I'd like to think I'm stubborn enough to dredge through. But at the end of a busy work day and long drive home, not having eaten much all day, an unhealthy fast food meal calls my name. ugh. It's not like I don't WANT to eat healthy. I like a lot of healthy foods, I just don't have the energy to make it happen everyday. That is going to be my biggest challenge, to be tired and hungry and still go home at the end of the day and make a balanced meal. That is what I will need to unlearn, that a quick box of mac n cheese is no longer the go-to meal when I'd rather just go to bed.

My friend M I mentioned that is going to help me formulate a plan decided that it's best if I change my eating first before I hit the gym. It seems a little wrong, but I get what she's saying. She said 80% of lifestyle change is changing your diet. If I don't kickstart my metabolism before I start exercising then I will burn out fast when  don't see the changes I hope for- don't shock the body too much at once. I've been reading about small things I can do on a daily basis to improve my health, less about meals and more about my mental mindset and exercise. If I'm not going to start a gym regimen then I should do little things that can help. For instance, I am going to get 2 stability balls, one small and one large. At home I am going to use it to sit on while watching tv so that I'm not just sitting still on the couch. The smaller ball will be for work, M suggested I squeeze it between my legs while I'm sitting (since I work a desk job and sit a good portion of my day). Other things I read were simple like walk 3 extra flights of stairs everyday, walk 2 mins for every 30 mins, meditate (or rather don't stress eat), do micro exercises that exhaust the muscles in a few minutes everyday, and don't be stationary for more than an hour at a time, even if that means you walk around in circles while watching a movie.

The most interesting thing I read was about the "power of positive thinking". I know it sounds cliche, but I read in more than one place how if you visualize yourself eating whatever you are craving, think about it for a good period of time before you eat it, that you will feel more satisfied with less. It is also suggested that if you're going to "cheat" with something fatty or sugary that after each bite you pause to think about how it tastes and feels. It causes people to eat less of the bad food and again feel more satisfied. I guess it's true what they say, that eating healthy really is just a mind game. I am my own worst enemy. I don't care what anyone says, I will miss my pasta comas! lol

So if I have anything going for me, it's that I consider myself to have pretty strong mental determination. It might take a bit for me to pep-talk my way into it, but I abhor the feeling of personal and emotional defeat. If I can stare my biggest fear in the eye and jump into freezing water (more on that later), if I can stare down an abusive maniac and say "I dare you to hit me", if I can dare to pick up my life in one state and start over in another with nothing more than a suitcase of clothes... If I can do all that, I can do this. None of those things happened without digging deep into my soul for that ball of determination though, and none of those situations magically ended the struggle- they were just turning points. This is my turning point, these next few weeks. And in my world, ultimate failure is not an option. I will falter and cheat before this is over, but I have to believe that this is possible.