Who is this person?

You know, sometimes I look at a picture of me at this weight and I think "who is this person? She has my eyes, but that is not me." Do you ever get that feeling that you feel like you look totally different than what you actually look like? You see a picture of yourself at a holiday party and feel a little disgusted? You wonder if your friends view you as the "fat girl"? Or suddenly feel grateful that they have never made you feel that way, whether or not they have ever thought it? That's me right now. It makes me not even want to dress up anymore, because I feel like I no longer look pretty when I put in that extra effort. I have beautiful friends that love to get "dressed up" once in a while to go out, a night of feeling pretty. They don't realize that I decline "because I have no money" when the real reason is that I don't want to be the ugly girl who looks like she's trying to be pretty. I'm not saying that having some weight on you is automatically ugly, but I firmly believe that beauty emanates from within- if you don't feel pretty, you won't look pretty. And I do not feel pretty at this size.
 I've always had a round face, but only in recent years have I gotten that dreaded "double chin". My neck used to be my favorite feature. Not many people know that about me, that I used to wear chokers and cute necklaces to draw attention to my neck because I thought it was beautiful. Now I look in the mirror and see the lack of definition and it makes me sad. Pictures of me just a few short years ago look completely different than my reflection. Like I said, my weight has never bothered me before, but now I feel like I am on a mission to reclaim my neck again.

-N