Dark Days

I've had a rough go of the last few days. I wrote about this yesterday while I was in the throws of horribleness, but erased it and decided to wait until I felt better before I wrote. The last time I wrote was Monday, writing about having my first meal since doing my Sunday Cleanse day. Well, after that meal, things spiraled out of control for me in more ways than one.

I went to sleep monday night with a full blissful belly; I had had a fillet of salmon which was stuffed with crab, green beans, and rice. I couldn't have been happier, it was one of my favorite dishes. But at 4am on Tuesday morning, I was hovered over a toilet puking my brains out. After that for an ongoing 5 hours, probably every 20 mins I ran to the bathroom with diarrhea. My stomach physically hurt from the purging, it was already in a sensitive state from cleansing. All signs pointed to the fact that I had seafood poisoning, though it didn't take me long to confirm that my other two dinner guests had no symptoms, and it was in fact just me. It was probably 11am when I finally attempted to drink a shake.  got half way through it before it too came up. I laid in bed miserable. That afternoon, I ate two scrambled eggs, but I in no way took any of the pak pills or vitamins for fear that my usual gag reflex would send me into the realms of misery from which I had just come. After hours of purging and pooping, I was exhausted and completely bankrupt emotionally. Because with the low feeling came the emotional side.

By the time I realized my vomiting was over, I wanted nothing more than to take a shower and feel clean. I knew I was lacking in strength so I drew myself a bath and turned on my new Gavin Degraw CD. I settled into the warm water for what seemed to be the perfect answer to my misery. I slid forward and let my head settle into the water. I closed my eyes and took a deep cleansing breath. And then I could feel it rising into my throat, not vomit this time; panic. And when the panic happened, it ironically made me panic (panic two fold, in case you didn't catch that. What can I say? I am a complex creature). You see, 18 months ago (though it feels like yesterday), I was in a white water rafting mishap in which I almost died. I should have died. I was hypothermic, had gone a mile down half a dozen class 5 rapids, hit every jagged rack on the way down, went through rapids called "The Staircase" and "Suckhole", I was strangled on my life vest, my larynx closed up, and of course, I nearly drowned. I had gone into that last rapid having already embraced that it was my final moment of life before I'd die... and then I was rescued- picked right out of the water. The next 6 months were the worst of my life. I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and I can tell you with certainty that it is a debilitating illness in which you wake up everyday to a nightmare and every moment you relive the worst moment of your life. I won't go any further on that on this blog, this is not my PTSD blog, it's my new journey blog! haha I only mention all of that because, though I have been healed of my PTSD (about 9 months healed), here I was, laying with my head in the water, and those fears rose within me again fears I haven't felt in over 9 months. I have not been afraid of water in nearly a year, I even did the Polar Bear jump last winter to "cure" myself of my debilitating fear of water. But there is was, that fear, right there in the bath with me. And remembering what it was like during my PTSD episode, thus my two fold panic- panic of the thing and panic that I'm panicking like I used to. I know, I know, it was as exhausting and confusing as it sounds. I rose from the water abruptly and jumped for my towel before I even realized that tears were streaming down my face. I cried until I had no more energy to cry and then went soundly to sleep.

When I woke, I was not feeling emotionally better, but I was not panicky which was an improvement. I was also still not hungry, and would not be again until this morning. I picked up where I left off with the cleanse, making a shake and packing a lunch for work. I just had my first snack and my stomach does not appear to be rejecting me.

I had always heard that you take an emotional journey while cleansing, but never could I have imagined this. I feel humbled at the prospect of facing my inner demons, demons I honestly never thought I'd see the face of again. I have no intention of quitting the cleanse, on the contrary I'm more determined than ever. But this has taken me down a few pegs. My friend told me today that cleansing is just like peeling away the layers of the life I've already lived, some worse than others. This week was just a tough layer. I'll have to remind myself of that if it gets hard again- it's only just a layer. I have 10 years of weight to lose, it's time for a stroll down memory lane!

-N

P.S. in retrospect I realize that I should not have eaten something as rich as crab on on empty and cleansed stomach, and it was my fatal mistake. Duly noted.